police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
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If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I hate when people be tryna do shit outta sprite
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
