Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.

Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”

They haven’t.

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

everyone’s a critic

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?