police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
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One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
The only equipped I am is ill.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
People buying plungers never look happy.
out-housing market appears to be strong
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
This guy gets it.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?