police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo![]()
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What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
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grim reaper: no
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Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
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Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
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Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
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Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
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Me: Sweet.
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*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me: