“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
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I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I’m not stressed
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
This is a whole mood;
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.