Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

jesus christ confetti not now

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.

Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic