Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
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I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Whoops
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!