Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
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I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Love is always patient and kind.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
How do you like your Corgi?
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends