Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

😊🦆

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

Of course I stay hydrated.

Carbohydrated

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.