@notfunnyelle

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: *places my natural charisma gently on the ground*

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@LionJenkins

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re assembling furniture from IKEA.

@Smiilze

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”

@jrza84

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

@Boleyngirly

I slept like a rock last night meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.

@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

@Ygrene

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

@DadandBuried

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

@T_Bonezzz_

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

@ericsshadow

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”