What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
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Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
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Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
it be like that
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.