police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: *places my natural charisma gently on the ground*
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If at first you don’t succeed, you’re assembling furniture from IKEA.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I slept like a rock last night meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
Me: Get dressed, please.
Me: Please get dressed.
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
Me: Put your clothes on.
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Calls in sick
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”