police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
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Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture