Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋

Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

Spotted in the wild

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]

ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

I’ve had my panties on inside out all morning and no one said anything!

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.