police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
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[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.