Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car

‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

GPS: We have arrived at the bank.

Me: Okay, great.

GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.

Me: …What?

GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.

Me: I’m not going to rob —

GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

[me dress shopping]

“Ohhhh that’s cute”

*an 80 year old buys it*

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.