Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

Carl: “It’s chilly out.”

Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”

“Fair enough, Carl.”

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.