Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
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Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.