Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.