Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit

Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone