Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
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Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right