Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

[texting]

So what’s your name?

“ily”

omg this is moving too fast.

ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

You’re not my real can

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

CDC: keep at least 6 feet—

Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?