Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
You Might Also Like
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.