Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
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Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
#FunnyLife Insects
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
Baller is short for ballerina
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water
me looking at the christmas cookie tray:
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.