Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
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Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.