2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
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[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers