Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic

me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef

Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight

Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one

Me: I’ve never been prouder of you

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

🧠

(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!

Rt to bother an English speaker