police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
A woman drives into a bar.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Seals are just dog mermaids.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*