police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
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Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
My dog learned how to text
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?
3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.
Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Pringles
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?