[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
