[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
the council will decide your fate
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Sorted
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Finally!
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
work smarter, not harder
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
