[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
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We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean