[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
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The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are