Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
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I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Care for your back
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.