[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
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“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
