Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

😭😭😭

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?

Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.

Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦

*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.