[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
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burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
it was a valiant fight
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.