{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

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Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?


Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.


Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.


Her: Are you okay?

Me: Yea, Great! This isn’t even my blood!


Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND


People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that