@TitansHomer

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

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@Brampersandon_

ME: *packing my bags*
WIFE: let’s talk about this
ME (still mad she didn’t get the cereal with the toy inside): theres nothing to talk about

@marcia_bee

Note to self: “rubber” in the US does NOT mean “eraser”. Bright side: my popularity in this office is at an all time high!

@northcoastkevin

My girlfriend keeps talking about getting married, I hope she meets a really nice guy.

@AngelaEhh

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

@PinkCamoTO

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

@iamspacegirl

SURPRISE! I scream, bursting from the vat of mashed potatoes. The other lunch ladies do not look surprised
They do not look surprised at all

@JohnLyonTweets

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

@thesupergrobi

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

@Cpin42

Based on his ability to hide poop, my cat would be the worst criminal of all time.