{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

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ME: *packing my bags*
WIFE: let’s talk about this
ME (still mad she didn’t get the cereal with the toy inside): theres nothing to talk about


Note to self: “rubber” in the US does NOT mean “eraser”. Bright side: my popularity in this office is at an all time high!


My girlfriend keeps talking about getting married, I hope she meets a really nice guy.


My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.


One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.


SURPRISE! I scream, bursting from the vat of mashed potatoes. The other lunch ladies do not look surprised
They do not look surprised at all


Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.


My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.


Based on his ability to hide poop, my cat would be the worst criminal of all time.