@DawleyGirl
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
@TitansHomer
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
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@DawleyGirl
@Grommit56
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
@No_tact_here
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
@_TeaChap
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
@shwebby3
Her: Are you okay?
Me: Yea, Great! This isn’t even my blood!
@daemonic3
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
@SentenceReduced
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
@Pork_Chop_Hair
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
@bingowings14
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
@rikpayne
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.