{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
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What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Oh my God.