Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

Green is just blue that someone peed in

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”