Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.

45% of divorces stem from $ issues.

45% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????

Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏

Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*

Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.

Her: oh.

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils