Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.