Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.