Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

Why do meteors always land in craters?

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

Restaurant toilets are dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

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[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

Somewhere in an alternate universe

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it