Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

I created you as mosquito food.

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

why am I working on Labor Day

Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?

My 6year old: You only asked once

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”