Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.

DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

*working in pediatric ER*

kid: *pointing* what are those wipes

me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊

kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them

kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor