[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
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[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?