Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:

6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!

#LaborDay

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts