[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
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I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
*aggressively waits in line*
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
titanic
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist