Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

Me: I am forever in your debt

Bank manager: That is accurate

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

Bed should get ready for ME

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”