Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
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In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Can’t, holding a grudge
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
You don’t even know
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.