Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
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My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl