I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
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I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.