Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

ㅤ

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

I hate everything

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.

The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…

Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.

My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside

Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

I got bills

They’re multiplying

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

ATMs should have breathalyzers

I’m never leaving this app.