Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:

“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

Him: What’s your fantasy, baby

Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?