Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

every time I roll over in the middle of the night

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.