POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
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I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…