Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
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Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Hot Hot Hot
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay