Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
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I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Winnipeg!!
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”