Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

Who says great literature is dead?

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour