Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely

Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”