Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

Pizza is an emotion right?

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

Fidel Castro was alive?

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.

me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand

toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.