POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
You Might Also Like
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I am absolutely never leaving this website
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
what?
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.