Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*

My rose versus your carnation.

FLORAL COMBAT!

villagers: BURN THE WITCH

me: you’re the reason your dad left

witch: omg

villagers [lowering torches] damn dude

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: But i thought we were happy

Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me

Me: You leave eclair bear out of this

me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?

clerk: going camping?

me: no

Ok who’s got my black socks?

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.