Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot

date: what kind of books?

me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard