Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life

If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?