Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
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<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Carpe DM
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”