Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
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me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
The Sun
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
How to walk around a museum
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.